Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
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“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Just what the hell are you juicing with this?🧐🤣
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
When I said I liked it rough.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
*young people decide to avoid hard drugs and lead healthier lifestyles*
BUSINESS INSIDER HEADLINE: millenials are killing the meth industry
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.