Forget tequila, I’m at the age where you can wake up with a hangover from Netflix
You Might Also Like
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
🤣🤣
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.