Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
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toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My circle of trust is a meatball
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t