Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight
Narrator: He did not play his cards right
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
August 8
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*