Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
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People buying plungers never look happy.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
how to have fun when you’re poor
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
The symmetry is uncanny.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.