Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
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Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
thanksgiving in nutshell
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
How it started: How it’s going:
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?