Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
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I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.
Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?
Fred: Um, ya, whatever.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.