Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
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So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Will Smith: Here come the Men in Brown.
UPS Guy: You can just sign for your delivery?
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Me: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out[Later]
Me *helping the kids pack a suitcase* look I’m as surprised as you are
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?