*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
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Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
When I was younger I was into athletics. I miss the guys from the 4x400m relay team. We ran in the same circles.
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.