[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
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hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’