[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?
marvel comics have peaked
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”
No, he would not have.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.