“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
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DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Time heals everything 🙂
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Chad Kroeger from Nickelback loves taking part in nativity plays. He has played Joseph, the Inn Keeper and even the back end of a donkey.
But he’s never made it as a wise man.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Tier 3 meme