Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
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My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it