Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
I identify as an antique shop.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out