@honeybadgerMel

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

Same time tomorrow?

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@CarpeAngela

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

@TheTweetOfGod

Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.

@braidednosehair

30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children

@Stexcy

Reading a magazine waiting at the checkout and was told, “this is not a library”, so I read it out loud.

@spacebatmcbat

Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated

@mikeleffingwell

Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.

@SortaBad

“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.

@Psycholyst

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.