Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
You Might Also Like
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
clerk: looks like you got big plans for the new year
me: yeah *filling my cart with fireworks* imma fight the sky
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.