@SlipCarefully

Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

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@TheTweetOfGod

Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.

@noog

“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”

@LuvPug

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

@jonnysun

TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here

@ShawnGarrett

Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.

@goodgrief_rats

If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.

@gitson_shiggles

How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary

@girlfr0g

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

@JamieGreenlees

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

@GuyThe_Guy

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.