Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.