Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.

Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.

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Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.


“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
“Stab him again”


I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.


TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
ME: ya i got it. im good right here


Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.


If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.


How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary


According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.


The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.


I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.