Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
Wait a minute
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
When the @funTweeters account RTs my tweet.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Awwwww shit.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee