@TheTweetOfGod Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
@SlipCarefully Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
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@TheTweetOfGod 
@noog “911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
@LuvPug I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
@jonnysun TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
@ShawnGarrett Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
@goodgrief_rats If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
@gitson_shiggles How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
@girlfr0g According to my bank account, I’m Rich!
Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.
@JamieGreenlees The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
@GuyThe_Guy I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.