Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
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If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Time heals everything 🙂
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy