Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
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*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
me: i’d love* to go to your neighborhood block** party, Carol, sign me up***
*hate
**gossip
***i’d rather eat worms
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Warm pools make me nervous.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.