Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
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Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Sign of the day..
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Sounds like a bargain
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
Accidentally threw out the lid of the ice cream. Now I’ve no choice but to eat it all.
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.