Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
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My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Lol.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I didn’t even know my grandma had a gun until I coughed at her house.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
If you think the astronauts on the space station are getting on your nerves, imagine how annoyed they are with each other
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze