forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
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What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[in a club]
ME: have you seen my moves?
HER: no
ME: *shows her photographs of my last four apartments*
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.