Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
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Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
Spa day..😅
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
12. I think about this all the damn time
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger