Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
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Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
why do birds
sudenly appear
every time
you are near
and how do u
always manage
to fit that many
birds in ur mouth
to begin with
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”