Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
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if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Before & after 😅
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Dating – Do you want to share my cheesecake?
Married- Touch my cheesecake and I’ll end you.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.