Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
You Might Also Like
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box