Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
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Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
sure we’re surviving 2019
but at what cost
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.