Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
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Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
I’m not mad at Bezos for going into space. I’m mad at him for coming back.
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*