formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
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There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Wednesday
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Good morning, Twitter x
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so