forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
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You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
This will never not be funny to me.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
why would tinder want me to say this
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
Just got my Facebook account suspended for reading a full article before I shared it.
i dont have time for this
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
Rise and shine, people. It’ll be dark again in about an hour.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .