FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
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[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.