Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
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CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Banana is the quietest snack
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.