Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.