Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
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Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?