Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I get home late, dead tired, & see my name in big, bloody letters on the bedroom wall – & I’m like, nope, I will deal w/ THIS in the morning
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Somebody needs to get my shit together.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Have you ever been driving on a highway and afraid to exit the off ramp because it’s a sharp turn and the roads are full of snow so you just keep going until you hit Florida?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
[first day as a chef]
assistant: why is your hat squeaking
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”