Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
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Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharpKid: what if I feel salient instead?
Me: just be on time
Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated
Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?
Kid: indubitably
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I have mixed feelings about birthdays, the aging sucks but I do quite enjoy using the day to manipulate people into giving me things.
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*