Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
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This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
Why does life keep trying to teach me patience? I don’t want to learn patience!
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease