Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
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DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Monday
guy: [drinking a coke]
me, hungover from a 3-day drug and alcohol-fueked bender: can’t believe he’s putting that garbage in his body
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
don’t we all
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
What idiot called it proposing and not kneel diamond
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*