Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
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[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
*controversially pours a glass of milk*
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Back in college, I knew sisters named Summer and Autumn. Instead of saying hello to them, I would say “seasons greetings!”
They didn’t like me very much.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.