Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
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When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.
*whispers* cheerios
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.