Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
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I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.