Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
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Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories