found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
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My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination