Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?

Me: I can’t afford a face lift.

I hate it when I’m at a red light, trying to find a good song, & someone honks when the light turns green.

Calm the hell down. It’ll turn green again.

If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.

About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss

ME: damn right

[later]

ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim

I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”

Me: “You should wear them all the time.”

Her: “What?”

Me: “Exactly.”

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian

Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.

If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.

I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole

On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.

“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.

*embarrassing teenagers is easy.

My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.

Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.