“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
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Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Eggs benadryl my favourite
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding