Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
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The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.