found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
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I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.