Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
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chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”