Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
You Might Also Like
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I beg your pardon?
