Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
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Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Confused owl: What?!
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.