Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
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I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
ER: Ma’am, are you allergic to any medications?
Me: I’m not answering your silly questions until you give me the wifi password.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
6
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8
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90Me: Nailed it.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.