Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
You Might Also Like
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t brag about it.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?