@felixoshea

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.

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@IGotsSmarts

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

@GabbbarSingh

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.

@MrSpoonicorn

hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register

@Shariv67

“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”

@WhatsHerFace33

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

@felixoshea

Tip for drowning your enemies:

Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.

@Cornjerker78

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

@_itspat_

My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.

@ilovepie84

This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.